my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
