Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
