New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
