he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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