I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
