Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My vagina is very pro this idea
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