he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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