So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
