I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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