Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
