I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
