soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
