whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
