There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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