I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize