two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
