Do you still have your period?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
