I wish they made helmets for livers.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
