After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
