i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Is it because I queefed?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
