His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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