I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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