we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
