i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sacagawea was the original milf.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
