he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
