I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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