you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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