saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
