It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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