just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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