we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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