Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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