I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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