If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
