He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
