I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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