Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
