I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
