we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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