My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize