i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
