I looked at my own cervix.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize