I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Success! We fucked roommates!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
