I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
