i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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