I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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