My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
