i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
