this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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