I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
