My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
