Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
