My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize