so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
