i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
