Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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