I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
