man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
