What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
