we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
