She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the day after is always just damage control
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
