Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
