I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize