Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
