Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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